Wednesday, April 6, 2011

If wishes were horses... (願いが馬だったなら。。。)

...then we'd all be eating steak.*

(And if you know where that particular quote is from, you get an automatic, all-expenses-paid trip to a prime location in Edo's Awesome Book.)

*This blog does not condone the eating of horses. The author is in fact quite fond of horses, in a vague and distant sort of way, not to mention all the grief she would get from her grandmother should she in any way suggest cruelty towards our hoofed brethren. 

I'm not really sure how widely known (or used, or even understood) that Japanese translation I used is... Space ALC offered another, but I didn't think it had the same feeling, so I went with direct translation, which we all know is ultimately the doom of translators.

Regardless, what the title of this post should really  be is: "Things Japan Sells as compared to Things Edo Wishes Japan Sold."

Explanatory, but not nearly so pithy. And we all know what's important around here.

What they sell: 1) Masks

You know 'em, you love 'em, you marvel at those wacky Japanese for wearing them every time a bug comes their way. And in a country full of public transportation and close quarters, yea, they're probably a good idea if you're hacking and sneezing a lot.

What I want them to sell: 1) Masks that aren't torturous devices of continuous discomfort

Sure, theoretically these masks are to help you keep your germs to yourself by keeping all those nasty germ-filled liquid droplets you spew from travelling the distance to that innocent bystander with the newspaper. (It doesn't keep you from wiping your nose and touching them, but hey.)

What they really do is force you to cough your sick, fiery dragon-breath directly up into your already sweating eyeballs, creating the most exquisitely irritating self-torture device recently designed by man.

I say recently because I'm sure the corset was pretty bad. But at least you weren't, theoretically, already sick when you were wearing the damn corset.

What they sell: 2) Anti-Pollen Goggles

Supposedly, these fancy things keep the pollen out of your eyes, thus making your allergy-ridden life much less miserable.

Supposedly. I have seen a number of students wearing them, anyway. Only children, oddly enough... hm.

What I wish they sold: 2) Sick-Spotting Goggles

Because try as I might, sometimes I do forget to scrub my hands vigorously after touching something... and hence the predicament of becoming ill myself. Were I to be in possession of a magical pair of goggles such as these, the bright red flashing lights that went off every time I went near someone or something sporting the tiniest bit of sick anywhere upon its surface, I feel my memory would serve me a bit better.

... I would hope, anyway.


I will be the first to admit that I intended for this post to be a much longer foray into things that I wish were available here in the wonderful land of Japan, but I admit, I'm feeling a little dry of ideas at the moment, and far be it from me to deprive you all of what hilarity (limited though it may be) I have already committed to the blog page any longer.

... ah ha! Perhaps it shall become a series. There we go.

Just wait kids, part 2 is coming up!

... yea, I saved that nicely.

This is Edo, signing off with a stuffy nose and a cough that just doesn't know when to quit.

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